The Ex Factor
I've been thinking about my Ex a lot recently. I'm not sure why. Maybe because football season has started. Maybe because the new college semester has started, and all I can think about it that beautiful VT campus in southwest Virginia. Maybe it's because I was recently informed that his Dad just wrote a book. Maybe it's all of the above.
Four years ago, I met my Hubby. When we met, I was dating the ex, ZH, for almost 3 years. I was going into my junior year; he had just graduated from Tech and was off to graduate school at Radford (just a few miles from Tech). ZH was preoccupied with his new life as a grad student and his career, and I was starting to notice that he didn't have a place for me in his plans. When he had gotten an apartment, I casually brought up the fact that we could save some money by moving in together at some point. WRONG MOVE. He was furious. There was no way he wanted to move in with me. (Even though he had frequently told me that he wanted to marry me...?) And by his reaction, I could see that we didn't have a future together.
A few days later, I met Hubby. It didn't take me long to fall head over heals for him.
In the meantime, I had to break the news to ZH. I didn't want to tell him about Hubby. It took a long night of discussion over the phone with him about how I wanted him to move on, enjoy his life in grad school, and not worry about me. I didn't want to have an effect on his career. I wanted to be free, as well. I knew that I would hold him back from what he wanted to accomplish in his life, and he knew it also, but didn't want to face it.
ZH found out about Hubby when he came by my room the first night back to school that semester. I had two dozen roses sitting on my desk, and he instantly knew that another man had given them to me. I explained that I was dating another person, and he should be doing the same. I don't remember much of what was said that night, but I do remember that he asked me if he could stay the night. I asked him politely if he wouldn't.
A week or so passed. Then, 9/11 happened. I immediately rushed home to be with my family. When I returned home about 5 days later, my roommate had told me that he had called me quite a few times over the last few days. There was a solemn voice mail from him on our phone. He really wanted to talk to me. He needed to talk to me. So, being a coward, I instant messaged him. I was taken aback when he was rude and callous. ZH said that he really needed to talk to me and why hadn't I called? I explained that I had gone home for a few days. He didn't like my excuse, or didn't believe it.
A few days later, I received a package in the mail. At first, I thought it was from Hubby, so I opened it. Inside was a short letter stating "Here are all of your things back", or something along those lines.
Pictures of us. A card I had given him. Little mementos of our relationship. I am thumbing through it all in slight confusion - Why would he send me all this? Why didn't he just throw it away? And then, I reach the last item.
My brother's obituary. Cut from the paper 2 years before.
At first, I was shocked. Then I got angry. Really angry. The nerve! He sent me back my brother's obit, like I didn't remember he died? Like I had to be reminded? What an ass! It wasn't like this was a trinket of memory from our relationship. This was a slap in the face. And I was pissed.
A few months after the incident, I threw away everything he had sent back to me, except the obit. I don't know why. I think it would feel like I was throwing a piece of my brother away.
Today, I'm still scorned from this. Who, with any shred of decency and character, would send that back to their ex? I understand the pictures and cards, but my brother's funeral announcement? Seriously?
Can anyone explain this to me?
Four years ago, I met my Hubby. When we met, I was dating the ex, ZH, for almost 3 years. I was going into my junior year; he had just graduated from Tech and was off to graduate school at Radford (just a few miles from Tech). ZH was preoccupied with his new life as a grad student and his career, and I was starting to notice that he didn't have a place for me in his plans. When he had gotten an apartment, I casually brought up the fact that we could save some money by moving in together at some point. WRONG MOVE. He was furious. There was no way he wanted to move in with me. (Even though he had frequently told me that he wanted to marry me...?) And by his reaction, I could see that we didn't have a future together.
A few days later, I met Hubby. It didn't take me long to fall head over heals for him.
In the meantime, I had to break the news to ZH. I didn't want to tell him about Hubby. It took a long night of discussion over the phone with him about how I wanted him to move on, enjoy his life in grad school, and not worry about me. I didn't want to have an effect on his career. I wanted to be free, as well. I knew that I would hold him back from what he wanted to accomplish in his life, and he knew it also, but didn't want to face it.
ZH found out about Hubby when he came by my room the first night back to school that semester. I had two dozen roses sitting on my desk, and he instantly knew that another man had given them to me. I explained that I was dating another person, and he should be doing the same. I don't remember much of what was said that night, but I do remember that he asked me if he could stay the night. I asked him politely if he wouldn't.
A week or so passed. Then, 9/11 happened. I immediately rushed home to be with my family. When I returned home about 5 days later, my roommate had told me that he had called me quite a few times over the last few days. There was a solemn voice mail from him on our phone. He really wanted to talk to me. He needed to talk to me. So, being a coward, I instant messaged him. I was taken aback when he was rude and callous. ZH said that he really needed to talk to me and why hadn't I called? I explained that I had gone home for a few days. He didn't like my excuse, or didn't believe it.
A few days later, I received a package in the mail. At first, I thought it was from Hubby, so I opened it. Inside was a short letter stating "Here are all of your things back", or something along those lines.
Pictures of us. A card I had given him. Little mementos of our relationship. I am thumbing through it all in slight confusion - Why would he send me all this? Why didn't he just throw it away? And then, I reach the last item.
My brother's obituary. Cut from the paper 2 years before.
At first, I was shocked. Then I got angry. Really angry. The nerve! He sent me back my brother's obit, like I didn't remember he died? Like I had to be reminded? What an ass! It wasn't like this was a trinket of memory from our relationship. This was a slap in the face. And I was pissed.
A few months after the incident, I threw away everything he had sent back to me, except the obit. I don't know why. I think it would feel like I was throwing a piece of my brother away.
Today, I'm still scorned from this. Who, with any shred of decency and character, would send that back to their ex? I understand the pictures and cards, but my brother's funeral announcement? Seriously?
Can anyone explain this to me?
posted by Mel at 8:53 AM
13 Comments:
the only explanation is that the person was extreamly childish and mean spirited. For yourself. let it go.
I cannot believe he would do such a thing. Just because he was hurt and immature does not mean that you take something like that so lightly.
You deserved to be mad.
Just be glad you got out of there when you did. What an awful thing to do.
My thought is that he wanted to make you suffer for having broke up with him so he sent you the obit to make you go through the pain of your brother's death again. There is clearly no good intention in him sending you the obit. What a bastard. Your life turned out for the way-much-better.
Dude, that was so wrong. Good riddence.
i'm one of your lurkers. hi! i was shocked just reading it. what a first class asshole. he MUST regret that he did that or else he is a conscience-free rat...
mind if i link to you? i'm at www.thechurchofangst.blogspot.com
best,
susan
yeah, sure.
he is a jerk.
good riddance.
mel, there isn't too much to say that hasn't already been said here.
murr.
i trust your judgment in people. i know that he must not have been this way when you dated him. it is amazing the things that pain coupled with not thinking about the feelings of others will lead people to do sometimes. inexcusable.
Hi I fell into your link from Church of Angst - having read this blog - I think I may have an answer for you. This ZH sounds much like an obsessive guy I dated. I think you were the center of ZH's life - and though it may have seemed that you were not in his plans - guys like this sometimes are SO INSECURE that they come across as self centered when actually they gain their strength by sucking it out of other people - because they don't have any of their own. ZH admired you for your strength and endurance after the loss of your brother. THe clipping from your brothers death represented ZHs love for you because Your loss made him love you all the more. ZH saved your brother's clipping --along with all the other little things - because they were representative of you. When he found out you were married he could no longer obsess over you... He couldn't throw the clipping out either - and he didn't want to keep it- so he sent it back along with everything else.
"He is male and he breathes!"
You are better off without him!
Chin up! :)
I had an ex, it's a long story but on the rebound he married someone else, again long story. Anyway years later here I am married to someone else. Maybe it's a good thing ex and I didn't get married but really it was the wrong place, wrong time. I can't imagine he would have done to me though what yours did to you, how cruel. You were very blessed to have found the right man in the one you married. Don't sweat it, just look at it as one of life's many MANY learning experience!
:)
What a spiteful, mean and inconsiderate thing to do. Surely anyone who really loved you would not do such a thing. It's like he took anything that suggested or had to do with you and put it in a pile.
You're so well rid of him, sweetie.
(((hugs))) for Mel, BOOT for him.
Hi Mel, You know the situation better than I, but maybe he just felt that you'd want to have it as a memento to remember your brother. From experience I've seen a bunch of situations where people misinterpret each other's actions ... unless he knew you had other copies of it, I'd suggest giving him the benefit of the doubt.
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